Into the Abyss

 My shoulders slumped and I lifted my chin, eyes closed, as piping hot water ran down my back. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to say she liked extremely hot showers so she could "practice burning in Hell". I'm not sure why I like hot showers. I know I don't believe in Hell though, so it isn't that. Perhaps the heat sometimes shocks me to my senses. Or maybe it does the opposite and lulls me into comfort. I was in a bad place now though and was really hoping the heat would do something to help. Opening my eyes, I reached for a bottle of shampoo. My hair wasn't actually wet enough to accept a good lather yet, but my mind was wandering as it had done an awful lot of for quite a few days. I leaned back again, trying to undo my error, and a glob of bubbled shampoo splatted on the floor of the bathtub next to me. Closing my eyes, a song crept into my brain, an accelerating tempo and guitar riff, growing in eagerness and intensity. I shocked out of literal existence suddenly, eyes wide open again and my breath stolen away . The reality around me suddenly whirred away outside of the shower like someone were flicking a flip book of my life and things I'd seen. The shower was materially there, and I couldn't actually see out of it. But I was fully cognizant of the rolodex of worlds flicking by outside. For a moment it was an open field, then a rotting penitentiary, then my partner's house. As many places as I recognized there were some I didn't, and some I just couldn't see as my multidimensional travel was just too fast. I began to get dizzy and had to brace myself against the tiled wall. The tempo reached a fever pitch and I recognized the song, "Piper, Piper, the red red worm. Woke last night to the sound of the storm. Her words were the words I sailed upon" blared in my brain in neon letters from Trey Anastasio's mouth. It seemed, then, that my shower had arrived at it's destination. I stepped out apprehensively, leaving the water running. Water dripping from my still naked body rehydrated the dry mud that I stepped out onto. It was now completely dark and silent. Above me unraveled a cathedral of blackness studded with stars and planets. Around the perimeter but somewhat distant arose hills covered in pines, birch, and maple. I couldn't see them clearly in the dark but I knew they were there because I could smell the diversity of the foliage. There wasn't much around my immediate person but dry, cracked mud with a few sprouts of some sort of grass poking through. The shower behind me was now gone. I was left in this ethereal plain without any understanding of how I'd gotten there or how to leave it. 

As I pondered my sudden transportation to this unknown location, the darkness began whispering to me. A wind started up, blowing straight into my face carrying with it an intense chill. I was told that this was it, I was seeing the end. I was being cursed with the precise knowledge of the end of the human species, everything I loved and cared about, and my own life. It was being revealed to me in complete indifference as ineffable facts, completely uncaring, just true. The gravity of it brought me to my knees and I sobbed. I crumpled further into a ball, wailing "why, why, why?" to myself. Dust from the dry mud covered my wet skin and got into my mouth. It tasted like chalk and iron. Then there was light, suddenly. Not bright light, but I was aware of luminousness that hadn't been present before. I looked skyward into a wavering aurora. Red, purple, and green curtains wavered  in the sky. Immaterial though they were they danced like fabric. The wind blew harder still, and I knew had to leave. I got to my feet, heavier now with the weight of understanding I hadn't asked for, and plodded out across the dry mud flat. Each footfall was more and more resolved. The wind, now a veritable howl that I was pushing into without remorse, dried the tears from my cheeks leaving streaks of grey mud. I was clothed now- not of my own will or action, it was just suddenly there -and my hands were planted firmly in the pockets of a black hoodie. The face I wore was a stern one, with my lips pursed tightly in a straight line, cracked and dry as though I'd not had a sip of water in days. I knew this was the face that I'd carry internally for the rest of my life, that any smile that crossed it would be simply for the benefit of others. I couldn't smile for myself anymore knowing what I now knew. My eyes shifted from my feet to the dark abyss ahead, the Aurora reflecting through my glasses, and I continued forward into new horrors. What else was there to do?

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